Todaye so far has consisted of house-cleaning, putting together a CD for my brother, and prepping the second dish that I'm capable of in my repertoire (ceviche). I cannot imagine doing something like this with my daye off back in MD, but here it seems perfectly normal and comfortable. I've also had a lot of time for reflection, and as I expressed to Carrie:
I'm changing. And there's parts of it--lots of it--that are extremely painful, stressful, and depressing. Those are the parts that make me afraid that I will lose you and R. before the end; parts that want me to make me lose myself, in all honesty. But the lucidity in between shows me something else; that I might like the person that comes out of this. More independent, more confident... and more myself, whoever that is.
The more I consider it, the more I am reminded of the many verses in the Bible that speak of refining metals, of tesing and purifying them. I've not quite been here three months, but during that time I have had so many moments of incredible emotion, both good and bad. I once asked LQ at work how a person could be happy and depressed at the exact same time; she answered that was God working in my life. And I am happy--there's just times where the present can overwhelm me, be it from loneliness or stress or whatever. For a brief period I questioned if I had made a mistake, acting solely on my own desires, and wondering if God was punishing me for it. I no longer think that. This might not have been His perfect will, but it was at least His permissive will, if not something more. I don't think I can know the answer to that, and there's really no further point in trying. I can only work with what I have, and that to His glory.
I love and am loved, and that's one of the greatest things that you can have in this life.
Just a quick note to let people know that Ripper & I made the trip safely. I've been home a few days now, just got internet yesterdaye. Job-searching, settling in... and being fed really well. ;) Kelly's adapting nicely, and overall I am optimistic. It's good to be with my family.
If everything goes according to the Current Plan (TN), I will be moving to TN in January, 2008.
Tonight I re-activated my Greatest Journal Account and deleted all of the entries in this journal. I'm not part of the mass exodus on LJ... I'm just waiting.
Maybe I'll start writing to this blog from work again. Maybe it'll be my secondary backup. The way things stand, I just don't know. It's not a comfortable feeling.
